Rock is Gay: Go Big Red

Nebraska, which hasn't won a conference title in college football this century, went on the road Saturday and defeated the defending Atlantic Coast Conference champion 20-17. Admittedly, the Cornhuskers played an uneven game against Wake Forest, and NU made its share of mistakes. But in the end, coach Callahan's team earned its second victory in as many games.

So Nebraska fan (I'm aggregating here), is moved to negativity by the outcome. Those of you who may be fans of Michigan, Notre Dame and Colorado State (three 0-2 teams at this point in the season) may ask "Why?"

Here goes.

Nebraska fan spent has spent most of his (I'll risk the gender specificity in this case because I think it fits) life watching Nebraska football in the way most of the rest of you watch a classic movie, be it "Casablanca," "Citizen Kane," "Animal House" or "Old School."

He turns on the tube at the appointed Saturday afternoon hour, settles in with a beverage and some unhealthy foodstuffs, and expects to see a classic script out of the 1960s, 1970s, 1980s or 1990s. The script reads something like this:

A. Archetypal characters are established: the virtuous head coach, the misunderstood superstar and the scrappy overachieving non-scholarship player. On the other sideline stands the embodiment of evil, be it named Switzer, McCartney, Spurrier, Devine or Stoops (perfect casting, in his case).
B. Dramatic tension is established early, and complications in the plot lead to at least some surface conflict that the VHC, the MUS and the SONSP must overcome.
C. Intermission brings a little uncertainty, but we know the final act will restore justice, usually in a punishing climax in which the uber-villain throws a visor on the ground.
D. The denouement involves a fourth-string quarterback genuflecting, presumably in honor of the VHC.

Unfortunately, the old screenwriter died in Boulder about six years ago, and the plots have never been the same. For a while there, the bad guys were winning as often as the VHC. And now, even when the good guys come out on top (such as this past Saturday), it's in a way that somehow doesn't feel quite right.

Look at it this way. Have you ever watched one of the classic Rock Hudson-Doris Day romps of the 1960s? You know, the ones where Doris and Rock flirted for two hours before finally realizing they were right for each other and deciding to spend the rest of their lives in matching twin beds? "Pillow Talk," "That Touch of Mink," "Move Over Darling." Yeah, those.

OK, now watch them over and over, all the while trying to appreciate the movies from a romantic, "this-is-the-way-the-world-should-be" early 1960s perspective. I'll wait.

Now comes the part where I tell you Rock is gay. And if he weren't, Doris wouldn't have coquetted around for two years, she would have talked him out of his tux and boxers before the first date. Where does the story go from there? Pretty shocking if you've been enjoying the films between episodes of "The Andy Griffith Show."

So it is with watching Nebraska football. The plots twists are different, the characters not quite the same, the VHC has been replaced by some short guy who swears occasionally.

This isn't to say there won't be a revival season sometime in the near future where all the classics are played out in true Osbornian fashion. (Though, to be perfectly honest, as a playwright, Tom's work really didn't reach its literary potential until the mid-1990s.)

Until that time, though, enjoy watching the new movies, no matter where they may lead.

Rock is Gay. And Go Big Red.